What Online Dating Offers The Disabled
What Are You, Deaf?
Have you ever overheard a waitress, or perhaps a sales clerk, shouting at a person in a wheelchair or someone who is clearly blind? It’s much like listening to two people with a language barrier try to carry on a conversation. We seem to feel that if we talk loud enough, it will transcend our differences and make communication possible.
I would guess that anyone in a wheel chair has had to tell someone, at some time, “I can hear you just fine. I’m not deaf.” People are uncomfortable around those among us with an obvious disability, for a few reasons I’ve narrowed down in my own attempt at understanding.
Can I Hold Your, uh, Never Mind.
First, we really aren’t quite sure what to say. Do we mention the fact that they can’t walk, or see, or that they have a prosthetic arm? Should we ask what happened? Should we offer assistance, and if so, how much?
I’m not sure how it is in the rest of the world, but with all the talk about having consideration for people with disabilities, we’ve created a generation of Americans who are afraid of the disabled! People are generally good-hearted, and want to help if they can, but now they’re fearful of somehow insulting a person with a handicap.
Hands Off My Post Toasties, Pal.
This fear is not totally unfounded. I was in a supermarket a few weeks ago, and a woman in a wheelchair was shopping with one of those grabbers she used to reach items on higher shelves. Instead of grabbing what she was after, she inadvertently knocked it to the floor. A young man, standing nearby, bent to retrieve it for her and she curtly told him she could get it for herself. He very likely would have done the same had the woman been able-bodied, but you can bet he’ll never do it again for someone in a wheelchair.
Was she rude? Probably. Maybe she was already having a bad day, but she certainly could have handled his attempt at kindness a little better. However she got there, and as much as it might suck, being in a wheelchair is her burden and she shouldn’t have taken it out on the young man. But most of us don’t understand, and can’t understand, what it’s like to have your mobility, or your sight, or your hearing, or your power of speech taken from you.
It May As Well Be Swahili
Those who do know can’t explain it to the rest of us in words that we can hear. There’s a language barrier, and no amount of shouting will bridge the gap. Besides, they’re tired of explaining. They’ve been explaining to friends, coworkers, and even family, what it’s like to be unable to do something that the rest of us take for granted. Or why they insist on doing some things for themselves when it would be easier to let someone else give them a hand.
People with disabilities want all the same things from life that everyone else wants. They want a meaningful job, with authority and responsibility commensurate with their abilities. And you can be sure they want a real relationship, with all of the customs and words and emotions that go with it. But how do they bridge the “language barrier” to get to that relationship? Tens of thousands have turned to the internet, and to online dating.
Is it perfect? No. But it’s a place that lets you put everything, or nothing, on the table before you start. It’s your call. The web is a great place to reveal yourself on your own timetable. You can talk about what you want, when you want, and from within your own comfort zone. Wanna just put it all out there, up front? Or would you rather let it come slowly, as you grow to know and trust someone?
Here I Am. Take It or Leave It.
As one woman told us, after deciding to give online dating a try, “I am not my wheelchair, and I’m looking for a man who is, first, not afraid of me, and second, who can see past the chair. What a relief it was to just put the fact that I’m in a wheelchair right there in my online profile. That way, anyone who sends me a flirt is doing so with eyes wide open.”
She reports that she’s had some “great dates” thanks to her online dating service. What made them so great? “We knew, before we ever met, exactly what we could and could not share in the way of activities. But best of all, I didn’t have to spend the whole date explaining what it’s like being unable to walk, or how I feel about it. Instead, we talked about the things we could do and the things we had in common.” She says she’s currently in a relationship where conversation has turned to views on having a family.
So Maybe We Should Brush Up Our Language Skills
The next time you hear a sales clerk shouting to a blind man, try not to be too hard on her. She would probably do the same if he spoke Italian. She does kind of get it, in a twisted sort of way. It just takes more than shouting to overcome a language barrier. From both sides.
Give Online Dating a look. Many sites have built-in communities for groups with specific interests and needs, like disabled daters.
