Would You Date Yourself?
And … Action!
Have you ever been in the midst of a date, online or off, and suddenly felt you’d been cast in a bad play, or a low budget movie? The conversation doesn’t ring true, the dialogue is poorly written, and mannerisms feel slightly stilted? Even yours? Sadly, it’s not all that unusual.
Ready For Your Closeup?
We seem to feel the need to polish our acting skills when meeting a potential romantic interest, particularly for the first time. Many of us aren’t secure enough in who we are to think we might be interesting, or exciting, or funny enough by just being ourselves. We really want to wow our audience, and leave them wanting more, while fetching a little validation for ourselves.
Unfortunately, few of us have the improvisational skills to pull it off. And the harder we try, the more strained our performance becomes, often ending in a display of forced dialogue and false impressions that we wish we could take back. If you’ve never been the audience for one of these productions, perhaps you’ve been the performer. Neither one is a picnic.
Hey, Did I Tell You I Can Juggle Three Chainsaws? And an Apple?
We all have egos, and it’s only natural that we want to impress someone we’ve just met, in person or online. But forcing yourself to be someone you’re not, because you think you’ll be more memorable, can only lead to a long, tedious, and ultimately disappointing date. Think about it. Do you want to sit around listening to someone struggle to be clever and interesting?
If you’re the audience, you find yourself wondering if this person talks like that all the time. And if so, why? If you’re the performer, then that’s what they’re wondering about you. If you’re both doing a soft shoe, then nobody’s listening anyway. Way too much work for too little payoff.
Your Mom May Have Actually Been Onto Something
Before you take that next first date for a spin, it might be a good time to ask yourself, “Am I dull?” Good question, huh? Do you bore yourself? If you met yourself online, would you date yourself? Now, we know it’s not possible to objectively answer those questions, but you should consider them anyway.
If you don’t enjoy yourself, if you don’t think that the ‘core you’ has something unique and worthwhile to offer, then neither will a potential date. At least not one you’d like to spend much time with. So, there it is; the trite, cliché part. The “mom” part, if you will. If you don’t like yourself, neither will anyone else. But things usually become cliché for a reason.
The good news is that most of us are much more fun, much more interesting, and much cleverer than we give ourselves credit for. We tend to be our own worst critics when it comes to matters of personality and character. The trick to not feeling the need to perform is to accept the idea that who you are is already fun, and engaging, and bright.
We need to approach dating with the attitude that life is only going to get more exhilarating and more fascinating when we become willing to take chances; when we open ourselves to uncertainty, and to new perceptions. And we can only truly do that without pretense.
Leave Your Tap Shoes at Home. Just This Once.
So, the next time you’re on a date, or just having an online conversation with a new friend, and you feel yourself about to break into a tap dance, take a deep breath. And then don’t. Tap dance, I mean. Because the truth is, as hard as it is for us to just let ourselves be ourselves when we’re feeling insecure, that’s what we’re all searching for in others.
We’re pretty sure we’re looking for beauty, and charm, and wealth, and (insert your superficial desire here), but what we really want is someone who is genuine. Someone we’d like to spend time with when they’re just being themselves. And someone who will like us when we’re just being us.
Take yourself out on a date. See what you think. Then, cut yourself a little slack. You might be amazed at the response you get when you just stop trying to impress. Because, face it, even if you could pull off a great performance and really knock their socks off, how long do you think you can keep that going?
And … Cut!
